I haven’t written in this blog for a while.
This week my former little makeshift family got back together for a few hours and just like that it’s gone again.
I thought I was fine. I thought I was ready. I’d been good to go for months. He didn’t cross my mind much anymore. I didn’t really miss him.

I saw him Thursday night and Friday morning.

The look on Four Year Old’s face when she saw him melted my heart. She was so happy. She loves him still. He’s her knight and shining armor.

I didn’t really think about it much, but it was the first time we’d seen him since he left.
That realization sunk in when he hugged me and I reflexively cringed away.
It’s been over a year and that wound tore wide open the second he touched me.

He’s caused both Four Year Old and I so much pain. She still loves him with all her heart. Watching them play together was the most beautiful and heartwarming thing I had seen in the past year.

And as much as I’d like it to be a daily occurrence, it won’t happen. It doesn’t matter how much I cross my fingers and pray.

But I had to tell him that if she didn’t handle this visit well, this was it. No more. No more visits. Momma bear must protect baby bear.

I nearly threw up the second I sent that message because I don’t want to take away something that makes us both so happy.
But when the happy times parted by year-long periods of anguish, I have to step up.
He doesn’t love me. He probably never did. That hurts just enough on it’s own. But having to hurt and keep her away from him because, at the root of it, he doesn’t love me, hurts in a way I didn’t know was possible.

I guess it didn’t die for me like I thought it had.

Day 268

3 year old asked for you again today.
I didn’t let her call you.
I didn’t even ask you if she could call.
“Sorry baby girl, he’s working.”
This might seem mean, at first. “Lying to your own child?” Like, how dare I, right?
We both know this can’t go on forever. It’s really my fault for letting this go on as long as it did, but I’d rather her hurt a tiny bit now and forget you later.
You chose this, and I don’t want anything to do with a person that could willingly put a child through this sort of pain.
Stay out of her life.

Day 247

They said it was going to thunderstorm today. Instead, it just rained.

I miss the thunderstorms every afternoon, like clockwork. Thunderstorms didn’t happen much where I was from and they scared me.
You’d hold me and tell me that it was okay, that the thunder couldn’t hurt me

Eventually, I wasn’t scared anymore and grew to love watching the lightning.
Eventually, the storms got annoying and all they meant was wet roads and loud noises.
Not long before I left, we stood on the porch in the pouring rain, smoking a cigarette, and watching the lightning. Our friends were there too but all I can remember was you standing behind me and holding onto my waist and telling me I should put my coat on.

I didn’t want to. I liked the feel of the rain on my skin and the feel of my hair getting more and more damp by the minute. It had been so long since I had taken the time to enjoy this.

“You’ll get sick.” You said.

I finished my cigarette, got my coat, and came back outside.

I can’t help but remember this was the last Spirit I smoked. It was the last thunderstorm I was in. It was the last time I relaxed and let go of everything. Looking back, this is the last time I was really happy.

When I heard that it was supposed to thunderstorm tonight on the radio this morning, I was so excited. I wanted to go back to that night, even if it hurt later on.

But it didn’t.

I can’t help but see the irony in this.

I was always hoping so much for us.

We were beautiful and frightening at first, like the daily storms.
Then we were beautiful, the fear had gone.
Then we were just a daily nuisance, nothing but a loud, messy drain on the days of others.

For one night, just before the storms stopped for me, we were beautiful again.

Now there’s no storms.
Just rain and sometimes a glimmer of hope for a storm.
But it doesn’t storm.

Even if it did, it could never be the same, because I’ve learned that the thunder can hurt me.

Day 244 -

I came close to dying today.

I was sitting in my car in the ditch trying to comprehend what just happened. I knew I was okay but I grabbed my phone and I called you. I hung up before the call even connected. The second I realized what I was doing I hated myself for it. You didn’t care.

I found other people to help me through the blizzard of snow and panic, but I still texted you from the side of the highway. I could hardly see my phone screen and I was cold and scared and sad and I needed you.

You made sure I was ok. You made sure three year old was okay.

That was it.

Literally everyone else I talked to about it was more concerned with it than you were.

Someday I hope you won’t be a reflex.

I didn’t write this but holy shit I could have. If anyone knows the author please let me know!!

“1. When I was little, my mother told me that my ribs are there to protect my heart. It turns out you can break ribs pretty easily. They shatter the second you press too hard or meet a boy with pretty eyes who leaves your skin burning and kisses your neck. My heart is not in very good condition.

2. My freshman year of high school I read this book over and over again. I remember one line talked about how love can save you. The author forgot to mention that it can also tear you apart and fuck you up beyond repair.

3. I broke my fingers trying to pick the lock to your heart.

4. Apparently vodka isn’t the solution to everything because after the fifth shot, the only word I managed to slur was your name.

5. You know those dumb depression commercials where they show some women and there’s a black cloud following her around and it gets bigger and bigger and swallows her whole until she finally takes some fucking medication? You’re my cloud. You’re hanging over my head and swallowing me whole but pills won’t make you go away, trust me, I’ve tried.

6. It turns out words can physically hurt. They can leave you clutching at your chest and shaking. They can leave you empty. They can twist around your body and cut off your blood circulation. I learned that when you told me you didn’t love me anymore.

7. I’m not yours anymore but God I wish I was.

8. Things fall apart. Things get messy. Most of the time you can put them back together but sometimes pieces get lost and you sit there puncturing your chest with little bits of yourself but nothing fits right and suddenly there’s blood everywhere.

9. Nervous breakdowns aren’t cute.

10. Boys don’t kiss you because they love you. They kiss you because they want to taste you. I hope I’m still on the tip of your tongue. I’d do anything to get you off of mine.

11. Heartbreak is not beautiful. It’s not tasting him in your cigarettes or empty beds in lovely little hotels. It’s not rainy afternoons where the air wraps around you the way he did or cups of coffee the color of his eyes. It’s just a lot of shaking and crying and hyperventilating and blood.

12. When the fuck does it stop hurting?”

I keep saying that I’m sad for no reason today.

That’s a lie…sort of.

I’m upset because one year ago today I was throwing a fit about wanting to do something besides go see Die Hard for Valentine’s Day. We got in a proper fight about it.

The truth is I only slightly cared.
I realized later that night that I didn’t care, that I just wanted to spend the time with you.

I’m still okay.
I’m still over it.

So why the fuck am I sad?

It’s your birthday today.
I knew there was a reason I kept thinking about you.
I’m a bit upset I’d forgotten…

I hope you’re having a great day, love.


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