These Divorced Parents’ Secret Regrets Are Utterly Heartbreaking

Very rarely do things hit home for me, but some of these did. My daughter was very young when I left her father, so that initial phase was a bit easier. It didn’t prepare me for the dissolution of my next relationship.

There’s not much a one year old can vocalize or comprehend.
There’s a lot a three year old can vocalize.
Even still occasionally, there’s a whole hell of a lot a 4 and a half year old can vocalize.
There’s not much a 3 or 4 year old can understand. Even when it’s happened twice.

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“Daddy is the fun one. You’re just mean.” Is a fairly constant phrase in my household.

“Well daddy let’s me do this.”

“Why won’t you just let me see my daddy already?”

My response is usually the same, something along the lines of “Well, I’m not daddy and daddy is being silly if he does that. You’ll see him after your time to spend with mommy is over.”

I remember the nights of her waking up screaming for **** (not her father), then getting mad at me because he wasn’t there. “I don’t want to be with you anymore. I want to go be with my daddy until “ex” comes back.” And “ITS YOUR FAULT HE DOESNT WANT TO SEE ME ANYMORE!” Followed by her throwing a toy at me and then sobbing on the floor, are the two I remember most vividly. The later of the two has happened again surprisingly recently for the breakup happening over a year ago.

Having her resent me for situations that I can’t explain the details of is excruciating.
Yes, I left your daddy “because we didn’t get along”.
Yes, my ex left me “because we didn’t get along like we used to.”

It’s easy enough to leave out the “well daddy had his ex-girlfriend in his phone labeled as “mom”, smoked pot 24/7, was emotionally abusive and controlling, and didn’t get a job for 4 years so I left. ”

“I was too violently depressed to function for months because my brain chemicals don’t balance properly and despite the fact he was aware of that from the start, it was too much to handle for ****.”

“No, you can’t go stay with daddy all the time because daddy is moderately incompetent and can’t seem to keep a job or bathe you or brush your teeth and for some reason has like 5 cats, a dog, a fish, still smokes pot, is having ANOTHER child even though he exists off welfare as it is, and god knows what else.”

The hard part is being the bad guy in all situations. I left one, the second left me and it was my fault.
Little one gets away with a lot when it comes to both. Less so now when it comes to her father since she’s learned to manipulate me with it, but she still gets away with yelling and screaming.
She gets away with throwing things at me when it comes to ****. She used to get away with hitting when she got really worked up about it in the beginning. Normally, that sort of behavior would send her to time out for the next 3000 light years, she would receive a long lecture from me when she was freed and her probation would include writing weekly 10 page papers in MLA format explaining how she had bettered herself since the occurrence.
Do I really have to put up with her fits at all? No.
I know this.
To her, it’s all my fault. I’m the guilty party in her eyes and I can’t and won’t explain any differently. I’d be “badmouthing” the ex’s…even if one of them deserves it.

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